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Collection of Vietnamese Jokes
Here you have a set of jokes from Vietnam.
If you're looking for prime examples of Southeast Asian humour, you've found the right spot. The Vietnamese have a wealth of local humour and have also learned from our traditional ally, Russia, famous for their jokes (or "anecdotes"). Until recently, these jokes were unheard of outside Vietnam. But today, you can find them all in English (don't ask about the translator).
Be warned: some jokes might sound like we're poking fun at ourselves—because we are! Many originated when Vietnam was still developing and we jokingly considered ourselves the biggest disgrace in Asia—kind of like how some Poles view their own country. So, share these jokes with caution. Unless you're Vietnamese, then have fun!
A Talking Pig
The teacher was reading "The Three Little Pigs" to the children, reaching the part where one piglet meets a farmer and asks for some straw: "Sir, can you give me some straw?"
The teacher paused and asked, "Do you know what the farmer said?"
Little Tèo raised his hand: "Teacher, he said: 'Oh my God! A talking pig!'"
The Price of a Cake
"One cake costs 1 dollar. How much for 10 cakes?"
"Teacher, about 9 dollars."
"Why 9 dollars? Do the math again."
"Teacher, because when you buy in bulk... they give a discount."
Knowing the Exam Questions But Still Failing
Two boys were talking:
"My sister knew the exam questions 30 minutes in advance, but she still failed."
"That's not bad! My sister knew the exam questions two months in advance and still didn't make it."
"What? What was she taking an exam for?"
"A beauty pageant."
The Secret to Keeping Clothes White
John Connor and Kyle Reese were chatting. Kyle asked,
"I've noticed your clothes are always clean and fresh. What's your secret?"
John laughed and replied,
"It's all thanks to my mom. A few days ago, my friends and I went to the fields to catch crabs and snails, and when I got home, my clothes were covered in mud. My mom saw it and immediately bought a huge bag of detergent. Ever since then, my clothes have always been spotless and fresh."
Kyle was curious, "Wow! What kind of detergent is that?"
John shrugged, "Oh, it's not about the detergent. After washing that batch of clothes, my mom told me that if I ever got them dirty like that again, I'd be eating detergent instead of rice!"
Counting Chickens
"Count and see if we have all the chickens at home."
"There are only eight, Mom."
"But we have nine!"
"Yeah, but one keeps running around, so I couldn't count it."
But the Duck Swam Across!
A man stood by a river and asked a nearby boy herding buffaloes,
"Is this river deep?"
The boy answered, "No, it's shallow."
The man waded into the river, but after a few steps, he was completely submerged. He turned back and asked the boy,
"Why did you say it was shallow?"
"Well, I saw a duck with short legs cross it just fine!"
Making a Fortune
Dracula: Do you think the peanut brittle I made is good?
Werewolf: If you sell it, you'll make a fortune!
Dracula: Oh, you flatter me! Hehe...
Werewolf: Just put up a sign saying "Teeth Extraction with Peanut Brittle Here", and you'll have tons of customers!
Where's the Problem?
One day, the U.S. built an advanced spaceship and invited representatives from leading aerospace nations to witness its maiden voyage. They also included a Vietnamese guy on the test flight.
The launch went smoothly, but on the way back, the system reported a major malfunction.
The American quickly said, "Don't worry, this is my field. Give me two minutes." He entered the engine room. An hour later, he crawled out, exhausted, and said, "F*ck, I have no idea what's broken. We're screwed."
The Frenchman scoffed, "Idiot! Step aside. I'll fix this in 30 seconds."
Thirty minutes later, he also came out, defeated. "I give up."
Just then, an email arrived from Earth for the Vietnamese guy. He said, "Let me take a look."
The other two laughed. "What does this Viet Cong know about spaceships?"
The Vietnamese guy silently went inside. Five seconds later, he came back out, and the ship was running perfectly. Everyone on board was shocked and impressed.
As soon as the ship landed, all the national representatives rushed to investigate how Vietnam had advanced so much in space technology. Intelligence agencies secretly analysed the email.
When the results were finally revealed, it turned out the Vietnamese guy hadn't fixed anything. He had simply sent a message to his boss, and the reply was:
"Whatever you 'borrowed', return it immediately!"
Jumping Off the Plane
On a plane, there were two Vietnamese, two Japanese, two French, and two Germans.
Suddenly, the plane hit a storm and severe turbulence.
The captain announced that, to lighten the load and save the remaining passengers, some people had to sacrifice themselves.
Without hesitation, the two Frenchmen stood up, shouted, "Long live France!!!" and jumped off.
After a while, the storm worsened. More sacrifices were needed.
Without hesitation, the two Japanese stood up, shouted, "Long live the Emperor!!!" and jumped off.
Later, the crew announced that if two more people jumped, the plane would be safe. Otherwise, it would crash.
Immediately, the two Vietnamese stood up, shouted, "Vietnam is the champion!!!"—and pushed the two Germans out.
The "Who's the Dirtiest?" Contest
Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia held a contest to see who could endure the dirtiest conditions.
The challenge: stay inside a pigsty that hadn't been cleaned for a whole year.
First up was Cambodia's contestant. He lasted one day before running out, unable to take it anymore.
Next was Laos. He made it through the first day, then the second, but on the third day, the judges had to call an ambulance to rescue him due to suffocation.
Finally, it was Vietnam's turn. The Vietnamese guy entered the pigsty.
After just five minutes, all the pigs ran out—on three legs, using one leg to cover their noses.
At that point, the judges had no choice but to declare Vietnam the winner.
Stranded on a Desert Island
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese were on a ship when it sank, leaving them stranded on a deserted island.
A deity appeared and offered each of them one wish.
The American said, "I wish to be back in the U.S."—and instantly found himself driving through New York.
The Frenchman said, "I wish to be back in France."—and suddenly, he was strolling under the Eiffel Tower.
The Vietnamese guy thought for a moment and said, "I wish those two guys were back here with me."
And just like that, all three were sitting back on the deserted island, looking miserable.
Milking a Bull
Every year, the U.S. hosts an international cow-milking competition. This year, three contestants made it to the finals.
The Australian contestant milked for two hours and filled six large buckets.
The Dutch contestant milked for the same time and got eight buckets.
Then the Vietnamese contestant entered the barn and started milking. One hour… two hours… three hours passed.
The judges waited and waited. Thinking he had lost, they were about to award the Dutch contestant when the Vietnamese guy finally emerged—holding only half a bucket of milk.
The judges asked, "Why did you produce so little in four hours?"
The Vietnamese farmer wiped his forehead and sighed, "Damn it, someone gave me a bull instead of a cow! Getting even half a bucket was impressive!"
And just like that, the Vietnamese contestant won first place.
The Painting Contest
One year, the U.S., Vietnam, and China made it to the finals of an international painting competition.
Having learned from past trickery (like when Trạng Quỳnh fooled China by drawing a "mud dragon"), the Americans warned their female painter to be wary of the Vietnamese contestant. They decided to copy whatever he did to avoid being tricked.
When the contest began, the Chinese artist carefully painted a majestic tiger.
The Vietnamese artist, without hesitation, pulled down his pants, dipped his butt into paint, and sat on the canvas.
Seeing this, the American artist copied him—pulling down her pants, dipping her butt in paint, and sitting on her canvas.
When the results were announced, Vietnam won first place for speed and creativity.
The Americans protested, "Why did Vietnam win when we painted the same thing?"
The judges replied, "Vietnam painted a tomato—with a stem. The American version didn't have a stem."
Why People Fear the Vietnamese
The whole world fears the Americans because Americans say it and do it.
But Americans fear the Japanese because Japanese do it before they say it.
And the Japanese fear the Chinese because Chinese do it without saying anything.
So, who do the Chinese fear?
The Vietnamese—because Vietnamese say one thing, do another, and no one ever knows what's coming.
Obstacle Swimming Race
Russia hosted the Olympic Games. Seeing that their "little brother" Vietnam had struggled for years without a gold medal, they introduced a new event: Obstacle Swimming Race.
The details of the event were kept secret until competition day. Countries signed up blindly, only learning the rules at the starting line.
On race day, ten nations with strong swimming teams lined up at the starting point—along with Vietnam.
The pool was massive. The organisers announced the rule: Whoever reaches the finish line first wins gold. However, they added a small note: You must overcome an obstacle.
Just then, ten Russian military trucks pulled up beside the pool. Their cargo doors opened, revealing... ten giant Amazon crocodiles in each truck. The crocodiles were dumped into the water.
The starting gun fired. Eleven swimmers stood frozen, swallowing nervously, staring at the thrashing crocodiles.
Suddenly, the Vietnamese athlete leapt into the water, thrashing his arms and legs wildly toward the finish line. He reached it, scrambled onto the shore, and was instantly surrounded by flashing cameras and thunderous applause. A new Olympic record was set.
Reporters swarmed him. "What motivated you to be so brave?"
Ignoring the crowd, the athlete stormed away. The questions continued: "Who are you looking for? Who will you inform first about your victory?"
He turned back, furious:
"Motherf*cker, I'm looking for the crazy bastard who pushed me into that crocodile pit! If I hadn't made it, I'd be dead right now! That son of a... scared the sh*t out of me!"
Whose Soldiers Are Braver?
One day, generals from the U.S., China, and Vietnam were drinking together. After a few rounds, they decided to test whose soldiers were the bravest.
First, the U.S. Marine general turned to his soldier:
"Get on that ship, sail out to sea, and jump into the water to feed the sharks."
The Marine snapped to attention: "Sure!" He dove into the shark-infested water. Blood instantly turned the waves red.
Not to be outdone, the Chinese Artillery general commanded his soldier:
"Climb into that cannon. I'll light the fuse and fire you into that wall."
The Chinese soldier, pale as a ghost, hesitated—but obeyed. The cannon roared, and his remains disintegrated into dust.
Finally, the Vietnamese general turned to his soldier and said:
"Do whatever you want—just be braver than those two."
The Vietnamese soldier looked him dead in the eye and said:
"F*ck that. I'm not doing sh*t!"
Washing Machine Advertisement Idea
Three freshly graduated marketing students applied for a job at a company. One was French, one was American, and one was Vietnamese. The company's director personally interviewed them:
"Our company is currently selling washing machines. Each of you should propose a TV commercial for our product. The most creative idea gets the job."
The Frenchman immediately replied: "Put a dirty shirt in the machine, and a few minutes later, take out a perfectly clean white shirt."
"Too generic, everyone does that," said the director.
The American thought for five minutes and said: "Put a patterned shirt in, and a few minutes later, take out a pure white shirt."
"Creative, but who would dare wash a patterned shirt like that? Not good enough."
The Vietnamese guy simply smiled: "At first, put a Black man into the washing machine. A few minutes later, a White man steps out."
The director exclaimed, "You're hired!"
Medical Advancements
At an international medical conference, each country took turns boasting about its medical achievements. By the end, only three countries—America, Russia, and Vietnam—had yet to present.
The Russian doctor stood up and announced shocking news: "We have found a cure for AIDS!"
The whole room erupted in applause.
The American doctor smirked, stood up, and declared: "We have developed a way to suppress cancer cells and completely eliminate them!"
The applause was deafening. These were truly groundbreaking medical advancements.
Then the Vietnamese doctor stood up, adjusted his collar... The entire hall held its breath, expecting another shocking revelation.
"We can remove tonsils..."
Before he could finish, murmurs and chuckles spread through the audience. Someone whispered, "Seriously? Even our medical interns can do that."
The Vietnamese doctor continued: "...through the anus."
Breast Size Comparison
Three university students from Vietnam, Korea, and Japan were discussing women's bust sizes. The Japanese guy pulled out a grapefruit and said:
"Women in my country have breasts this big!"
The other two cheered: "Wow, that's huge!"
The Korean guy then took out a watermelon and said:
"Women in my country have breasts this big!"
The others shouted: "Crazy big!"
The Vietnamese guy then pulled out a rambutan (a small fruit the size of a lychee).
"This is the size of Vietnamese women's breasts."
The other two gasped: "That's tiny! Why are you showing that off?"
"But... this is just the nipple!"
"My Country Has Plenty of That"
On an overloaded plane, the pilot announced that passengers had to throw away unnecessary items to lighten the load.
A rich American tossed a suitcase out. The Japanese guy asked, "What was in that?"
"Just cash, my country has plenty of it."
Then the Japanese guy threw out a bag. The American asked, "What was in that?"
"Diamonds, my country has plenty of those."
Seeing this, the Vietnamese guy casually kicked both the American and the Japanese out of the plane. The pilot shouted, "Why did you do that?!"
The Vietnamese guy shrugged, "My country has plenty of those bullsh*tters."
No Need to Look Out the Window
A train was travelling across the world, passing through various countries. On board was a professor who claimed he could tell which country they were in without looking outside.
People were sceptical and challenged him to prove it.
He stuck his hand out the window: "It's really hot! Must be California."
A little while later, he stuck his hand out again: "Brrr! Freezing cold! We must be in Moscow."
Two hours later, he reached out again and suddenly pulled his hand back.
"Damn! My watch is gone. We're definitely in Vietnam!"
The Open Cauldron in Hell
God decided to visit Hell and took a stroll around. He saw cauldrons of boiling oil, each labelled with different countries' names. All the cauldrons were tightly covered—except for one labelled "Vietnam".
Curious, God asked the Devil, "Why is this one uncovered?"
The Devil laughed and said, "For other countries, if we don't cover the cauldron, the sinners will help each other climb out. But for the Vietnamese, as soon as one tries to climb up, the others pull them back down. No need for a lid!"
Public Urination Incident
During a diplomatic meeting, Russian officials accused Vietnamese people of being unhygienic and urinating in public. The Vietnamese delegation denied the accusation.
The Russians proposed a challenge: "Tonight, we'll patrol Hanoi with AK-47s. If we see anyone peeing in public, we'll shoot them on the spot."
The Vietnamese side agreed.
The next morning, Vietnam reported 37 casualties. Enraged, they decided to retaliate. Two Vietnamese special forces operatives were sent to Moscow, armed with Colt pistols, to do the same.
They roamed the streets all night but found only one man urinating in public at 2 AM. Delighted, they emptied their clips into him.
The next morning, Russian newspapers reported: "Vietnamese Ambassador to Russia assassinated by terrorists while performing his duties."
Vietnamese Swordsmanship
At an international sword-fighting competition, a French knight stepped onto the stage.
A fly was released, and with a swift stroke, he split it in two. The audience erupted in applause.
Next, a Japanese samurai slashed a fly into four pieces mid-air.
The crowd held their breath in anticipation of Vietnam's champion.
The Vietnamese swordsman stepped forward. Another fly was released. He swung his sword, but the fly remained unscathed.
The audience gasped in disappointment. Someone shouted, "What a failure!"
The Vietnamese swordsman calmly smiled: "Look again! The fly may still be alive... but it will never reproduce again."
The Plane and the Bomb
"If you had a plane and a bomb, what would you do?"
- American: Load the bomb onto the plane and drop it on a "rogue" Middle Eastern country.
- Bin Laden: Fill the plane with fuel, hijack it with passengers, and crash it into America.
- Vietnamese: Dismantle the bomb for explosives and metal. Dismantle the plane for aluminium and sell it as scrap. Everything gets turned into money!
Afraid Dad Won't Like It
A little boy accidentally overturned a cart full of corn. A neighbour, hearing the noise, said:
"Hey, Tý, it's okay. Come have lunch with me, and I'll help you get the cart back up afterward."
"You're really kind, but I'm afraid my dad won't like that."
"Nonsense, come over."
Seeing the neighbour's goodwill, Tý agreed:
"Okay, but I'm sure my dad's going to hate it."
After a warm meal, Tý thanked the kind neighbour and said:
"I feel a lot better now. But I just know my dad's going to be furious."
The neighbour smiled:
"Silly boy! Where's your dad anyway?"
"Under the cart, sir."
Aladdin Fires the Genie
After marrying the princess, on his wedding night, Aladdin accidentally rubbed the magic lamp. Immediately, the genie appeared, arms folded, watching the newlyweds. Embarrassed, the princess said: "Get rid of that guy!"
Aladdin quickly ordered: "Genie, go build me a giant castle."
The genie disappeared and returned just five minutes later, job done, arms folded again, watching them.
Annoyed, Aladdin said: "Go level three mountains for me."
Three minutes later, the genie had finished and was back at the bedside.
Aladdin was at a loss. The princess whispered: "I've got an idea." She called the genie outside the door.
From that moment on, the genie didn't return.
In the morning, Aladdin went outside and saw the genie sitting there crying.
He asked: "Why are you crying? What did the princess tell you to do?"
The genie sniffled: "She gave me this string and told me to straighten it out... I've been at it all night, and it's still curly!"
The Crime of Loyalty
"Why is your face all swollen?"
"My friends just beat the crap out of me."
"What for?"
"For being loyal."
"But loyalty's a good thing, isn't it?"
"Yeah... but I was loyal to their wives!"
Who's That Person?
The teacher asked:
"When someone keeps talking even when no one's interested anymore, what do we call that person?"
The whole class replied in unison:
"A teacher!"
Where's the Duck Butt?
At a dinner party, three guests who all loved duck rumps (phao câu) happened to sit at the same table.
When the host carved the duck, none of them said a word, but their eyes locked onto the duck's rump.
As soon as the plate was served and the host said "please enjoy," all three sets of chopsticks shot toward the rump like lightning.
One lucky guest snagged it and popped it into his mouth immediately.
The other two searched but couldn't find it, so they asked: "Where's the duck butt?"
The lucky one pointed to his mouth and said: "Right here!"
Wish Granted
Once upon a time, there was an old woman living alone in the forest, with only a cat for company.
One day, sensing her time was near, she hugged the cat and wished: "I wish I were young and beautiful again."
Poof! She turned into a stunning young lady.
Then she wished: "I wish my hut would become a beautiful house!"
Poof! A gorgeous house appeared.
"But what's the point of beauty and a nice house in the middle of the woods?" she thought. So she wished again:
"I wish my cat would turn into a handsome young man..."
Poof! A striking man appeared before her. Delighted, she dragged him into the house...
Not two minutes later, she ran out screaming: "If I'd known this, I'd rather die!"
The handsome man muttered: "Who told you to neuter me back then?"
Caught by the String
A thief was caught stealing a buffalo red-handed. He was shackled and taken to the district office. On the way, someone asked:
"What crime did you commit to end up like this?"
He replied pitifully:
"I just picked up a string. And now I'm in shackles."
The person was puzzled:
"You were shackled just for picking up a string?"
The thief replied:
"Because the other end of the string was tied to something."
"What was it?"
"A buffalo."
The Brave People's Contest
Every year at Christmas, the world holds a contest for the bravest people on the planet. As usual, this year the USA, Japan, and Vietnam made it to the finals.
First up: The American contestant.
He slowly walks onto the stage, pulls out a revolver fully loaded with six bullets, removes one bullet, spins the chamber, and calmly puts the gun to his temple and pulls the trigger. Bang! He drops dead on the spot—to thunderous applause from the audience and judges.
Next: The Japanese contestant.
More straightforward, he immediately sits down on stage, draws a samurai sword, and in a flash performs seppuku, laying his guts out neatly in front of him. Less than a minute later, he too passes away, amid roaring cheers and clapping.
Finally: The Vietnamese contestant.
This is the part everyone has been waiting for since Vietnam is the defending champion. The Vietnamese guy leisurely pushes a wooden box to the centre of the stage, then casually takes out a saw and starts cutting the box.
Five, ten minutes go by—he keeps sawing. The audience starts booing and whistling in frustration. The judges look uneasy. One of them rushes on stage to whisper something to the contestant. He smiles, then opens up the box—inside is a steel-blue bomb. The crowd falls dead silent. The judges are drenched in sweat as the slow screech-screech of sawing continues. Within half a minute, the head judge grabs a megaphone and urgently announces Vietnam as the winner—amid a few cheers but mostly sighs of relief.
The Starvation Contest
A contest is held called "The Starvation Challenge", with participants from Vietnam, the USA, and Japan. Each person is placed in an empty room with only a small bell they can ring if they give up.
Day 2: The American rings the bell. Too hungry.
Day 4: The Japanese contestant gives up too.
But the Vietnamese guy keeps going—Day 6, Day 8... nothing. Organisers worry. Finally, they break the door down—and find the guy lying barely alive in the corner, looking like death itself. When they ask, "What gave you such willpower to endure this hunger?" he wheezes:
"Dammit... who... broke... my... bell...?"
And then faints.
Train Travel Contest
In a train travel contest held in Vietnam, three countries enter: USA, Japan, and Vietnam.
Goal: Travel from North to South Vietnam, using the fewest tickets, while sitting in first class.
- Americans: "We'll use 2 first-class tickets." Their plan: 3 guys hide in 2 toilets, show 2 tickets when checked.
- Japanese: "We'll use 1 ticket." Their plan: All 3 squeeze into one toilet.
The Vietnamese team? "We don't need any tickets."
When it's time for inspection, they sneak into the toilets, knock on the Japanese stall—take their ticket. Knock on the Americans'—take two more. Then walk right into first class with 3 shiny tickets.
The Americans and Japanese? Kicked off the train.
Recycling
A Vietnamese man is eating breakfast in a cafe. An American sits next to him, loudly chewing gum.
American: "You guys eat the crust of bread too?"
Vietnamese: "Yeah." (annoyed)
American: "Huh. In the U.S., we only eat the inside. The crust? We grind it up to make croissants—to sell to Vietnam."
Then, smugly: "You eat jam too?"
Vietnamese: "Of course."
American: "In America, we only eat fruit. The peels and seeds—we recycle to make jam, and sell it to Vietnam."
At this point, the Vietnamese man is clearly irritated. He asks:
"Hey, do you guys... you know... do the deed?"
"Of course!"
"So what do you do with used condoms?"
"We toss 'em. Duh."
The Vietnamese man smiles slyly: "Well, in Vietnam, we collect used condoms, melt them down into chewing gum... then export it to the U.S."
Bulletproof Armour
Three hijackers seize an international flight full of passengers. Among them: an American cowboy, a Chinese swordsman, and one Vietnamese guy.
Everyone is terrified, handing over valuables. Suddenly—slash! The swordsman draws his blade and slices a hijacker in half. But the two others shoot him dead instantly.
The cowboy reacts fast—bang bang bang!—with two giant revolvers, but he too is gunned down.
Then the Vietnamese man slowly walks toward the hijackers. They unload their submachine guns at him. Amazingly, after emptying the magazines, the man is still standing. Freaked out, the hijackers surrender.
Everyone crowds around, asking how he survived.
"What's your secret?!"
He calmly takes off his coat.
Underneath? Bicycle parts. Pressure cookers. Homemade bulletproof armour, Vietnamese style.
Short-term Potatoes
At an international agriculture conference, the French delegate said:
"We plant potatoes on May 15 and harvest them on August 15."
The British delegate:
"We also plant on May 15, but we harvest on July 15—an entire month earlier."
The American delegate:
"We plant on May 15 and harvest on June 15—two months earlier."
The Vietnamese delegate:
"We plant on May 15 and harvest on May 16."
Everyone in the hall:
"What? You harvest after just one day?"
"Yes, at that point we were craving potatoes so badly, we couldn't wait."
Margin of Error
At the World Scientific and Technical Summit, global powers were presenting their top achievements to prove their scientific superiority.
The Japanese representative stood up: "We've just completed an unmanned spacecraft for Mars exploration. It has many capabilities, but most notable is that it can fly very close to the Martian surface."
Judges objected: "Nonsense! How can it fly close? Mars' surface is extremely rugged!"
Japanese rep replied: "Of course—we accounted for a margin of error of about 20 cm."
Next, the American rep: "We've also developed a new type of submarine that can dive deep and travel right along the seabed."
Judges again objected: "That's impossible! The seabed is very uneven."
"Yes, like the Japanese, we accounted for a margin of error of 20 cm."
Then the Vietnamese rep stood up: "If that's the case, we've just invented a method of giving birth through the belly button."
All the judges, and the Japanese and American reps shouted: "That's impossible!"
The Vietnamese rep calmly said: "Of course, we also accounted for a 20 cm margin of error."
When Will Vietnam Win the World Cup?
One day, Beckham, Văn Quyến, and Kiatisuk all had a dream where they went to heaven.
Beckham asked God: "God, when will England win the World Cup again?"
God said: "In 10 years."
Beckham sighed: "Oh no, I'll be old by then."
Kiatisuk asked: "When will Thailand win the World Cup?"
God said: "In 100 years."
Kiatisuk sighed: "I'll be dead by then."
Văn Quyến asked: "When will Vietnam win the World Cup?"
God replied: "By that time, I'll be dead!"
Leap of Faith
An Englishman, a Japanese, and a Vietnamese guy died and met on the way to the afterlife.
The Englishman said: "The bravest thing I ever did was jump off the Eiffel Tower."
The others asked: "When was that?"
"Two years ago."
The Japanese guy said: "I once jumped off the Tokyo Tower—that was my boldest act."
The others: "When?"
"One year ago."
The Vietnamese guy said: "Haha, you call that brave? I just jumped off a Boeing 747!"
The others, shocked: "When??"
"Just now..."
Anti-Theft Machine
After years of research, scientists invented a theft-detection machine. To test it out:
- In the US: in 30 minutes, it caught 500 thieves.
- In China: in 10 minutes, it caught 5,000 thieves.
- In Vietnam: after just 3 minutes... the machine was stolen.
Do You Guys Believe This?
The President of Vietnam invited the US and Russian Presidents to visit Hanoi by helicopter. The three leaders sat together onboard.
The American President showed off: "You guys believe if I throw a wad of $100 bills down there, tomorrow all of Hanoi will go crazy?"
The Russian President replied: "You believe if I throw down my wallet, the entire country of Vietnam will go nuts?"
The Vietnamese President smirked: "You guys believe if I grab the pilot and throw him out, the whole world will go nuts tomorrow?"
Adam and Eve
A Frenchman, an American, and a Vietnamese guy were arguing about which nationality Adam and Eve belonged to.
The Frenchman said: "They were naked and indecent right in front of God—definitely French."
The American said: "They valued freedom so much they couldn't resist the forbidden fruit, even though it ruined their happiness—clearly American."
The Vietnamese guy finally said: "No clothes, no house, not even allowed to eat an apple, yet people call that paradise? They must have been Vietnamese!"
The Vietnamese Paradox
According to real-world surveys in Vietnam:
- Everyone has a job, but no one works.
- No one works, but everyone gets paid.
- Everyone gets paid, but no one can make a living.
- No one can make a living, but everyone survives.
- Everyone survives, but no one is satisfied.
- No one is satisfied, but everyone raises their hand in agreement!
And:
The rich drive cars and drink beer with hostesses.
The poor ride motorbike taxis and drink cheap draft beer.
Rote Learner
During an international student competition on history (oral exam), a Vietnamese student was caught having studied only one topic, so he tried to listen in on the exam next door.
The Soviet examiner asked a Cuban student:
"You have 3 questions..."
"Yes, sir!"
"When did the October Revolution in Russia succeed?"
"1917!"
"Who led it?"
"Lenin!"
"Bonus question: Do you believe in ghosts?"
"The people say yes, the government says no, and science is still researching it!"
"Good! Five points."
Next, the Vietnamese student came in.
"You have 3 questions..."
"Yes, sir!"
"When did the August Revolution succeed?"
"1917!"
"Who led it?"
"Lenin!"
The examiner slammed the desk: "Are you crazy?!"
"The people say yes, the government says no, and science is still researching it!"
Advanced Education Systems
After Vietnam's recent success at the International Math Olympiad, the country hosted an education summit with ministers from nations boasting top-tier education systems.
Debate soon broke out over which country had the best system.
USA: "In our country, computer literacy comes first. Even 3-year-old kids can use a PC and browse the internet like pros."
The audience murmured in admiration.
China: "That's nothing. In China, we have prodigies who start college by the age of 9."
The crowd erupted in applause. Then came the host nation, Vietnam. The Vietnamese Minister stood up confidently:
Vietnam: "That's all trivial. In Vietnam, we have many students who can't even read or write—yet still graduate from secondary school."
Discovery Underground
Recently, Japanese scientists announced: "We dug 100 meters underground and found a 1,000-year-old copper cable!" This, they claimed, proved that Japan had landline phones 1,000 years ago.
Years later, American scientists countered: "We dug 200 meters and found a 2,000-year-old fibre-optic cable!" Proof, they said, that America had internet and cable TV two millennia ago.
The very next day, Vietnamese scientists made headlines: "We dug 500 meters underground and found absolutely nothing!" Conclusion? Vietnam had wireless technology 5,000 years ago.
In-Flight Emergency Protocol
A plane flying over the Atlantic carries the U.S. President, Elon Musk, the Pope, and a random Vietnamese man.
Suddenly, the pilot bursts out of the cockpit: "We've got engine failure! Everyone must parachute now!" He grabs a chute and jumps without hesitation.
The group checks—only three parachutes remain.
U.S. President: "I'm the most important person in the world. I must live!" He grabs one and jumps.
Elon Musk: "I'm the richest man on Earth. I need to survive!" He grabs another and jumps.
The Pope turns to the Vietnamese man: "My child, I've lived a long life. You take the last parachute."
"No worries, Father. That guy Musk just jumped with my mosquito net."
The Brave Armies
Three generals—American, Japanese, and Vietnamese—compete to prove whose soldiers are most courageous.
American general: "I'll release a feather into a room full of troops. After one minute, they'll all commit suicide." Sure enough, one minute after the feather lands, chanting is heard, then silence.
Japanese general: "No need for one minute. As soon as the feather touches the ground, my troops will instantly end it." True to his word, the feather lands—bang—everyone gone.
Vietnamese general: He releases a feather too. One minute. Five. Ten. Nothing.
The other generals laugh. But the Vietnamese general smirks and leads them into the room.
All the soldiers are lying on the floor—blowing on the feather, making sure it never touches the ground.
Give Me That!
At an international aerospace convention:
American: "Give me a lump of steel, and I'll build you a Boeing 767."
Japanese: "Give me a microchip, and I'll design the entire onboard communication system for that 767."
Vietnamese guy, snapping pictures nearby, chimes in: "Give me a flight attendant—and I'll produce a whole crew and unlimited passengers."
The Most Memorable Vietnamese Phrase
A foreigner working in Vietnam is asked if he's learned any local phrases.
He replies: "Yes! There's this one sentence I hear everywhere—I didn't even need to study it: 'Một, hai, ba, dô!'" (Meaning: One, two, three, cheers!)
The Man from Back Then
A young couple, long in love, finally spend the night together. In the morning, the guy notices a photo of a strikingly handsome man beside the bed.
Nervous, he asks: "Who's that? Your husband?"
"Nope," she giggles.
"Your ex?"
"Still no!"
"Your dad?"
"Not at all."
"Then who?!"
She winks: "That's me. Before I transitioned."
Drunk Beyond Memory
A husband stumbles home drunk, stands outside calling, "Hey you! Hey you!" He can't remember his wife's name, so she doesn't open the door.
Desperate, he calls his father-in-law: "Hi Dad, quick question: what's my wife's name again?"
Father-in-law: "You forgot your wife's name?!"
"Yeah, I drank too much and she won't let me in."
"Well, I can't help you. I don't even remember my wife's name. You're outside? Me too!"
Thank You for the Gas Hike!
Thank you to the Party and the Government for thinking of us citizens. Raising fuel prices has taken us back to the bicycle era—just what we needed!
- I now pedal my girlfriend to class.
- Wedding processions use cycle rickshaws.
- My sister jogs to the supermarket.
- Retired traffic cops relax, since no one's speeding anymore.
- Helmets gather dust.
- Dogs roam freely again.
- Mom zips to the station on her e-bike.
- The neighbour boy skates to the liquor store.
Ah, how romantic and wholesome life is... when fuel costs too much.
Elephant Control Contest
Three nations—USA, Russia, and Vietnam—enter an elephant training contest.
Round 1: Make the male elephant jump.
- Russia installs springs—works once, then the elephant crashes.
- The U.S. blasts loud music—after 10 albums, it barely lifts its front legs.
- Vietnam walks over and punches it in the privates—elephant jumps like mad.
Round 2: Make it shake its head.
- Russia and the U.S. try to force its head to move.
- Vietnam leans in and whispers: "Want me to do what I did earlier?" The elephant shakes its head furiously.
Who's the Manliest Man?
Three men—representing three continents—decide to settle who's the most macho.
They must conquer three rooms:
- A room with 1,000 liters of alcohol
- A room with a savage tiger
- A room with a beautiful young woman... and must "go" with her 1,000 times
USA: Charges into the tiger room. Two days later, they carry out his body.
France: Romantic by nature, heads into the woman's room. At 231 rounds, they also carry him out.
Vietnam: "Let's deal with the booze first." He downs all 1,000 liters, stumbles into the tiger room. A full day of terrifying roars. The next morning, they find the tiger's corpse outside.
He staggers out, slurring: "Where's that tiger room, huh?!"
Elephant Books Around the World
To study global mindsets, a competition is held: write a book about elephants.
- USA: "How to Raise an Elephant in Your Backyard — Fun and Profitable!"
- Germany: Three volumes, thick as dictionaries: "Preliminary Studies on Elephants — Volumes I–III"
- Russia: A heavy book titled in old Cyrillic: "How Our Ancestors Discovered Elephants"
- France: A slim, artsy volume: "The Elephant and Its Sexual Life"
- Vietnam: A practical bestseller: "1001 Dishes Made From Elephant"
A Chance at Life
Three men—an American, a Chinese, and a Vietnamese—are on the same plane when suddenly Death appears.
Death says, "You must all come with me. Your time is up."
Just then, an angel intervenes: "Please, have mercy. Give them a chance to live."
Death nods, "Fine. I'll give each of you one chance. Throw anything into the sea. If I can't find it, you live. But if I do... you die."
The American goes first. He thinks for a moment, then tosses a feather into the ocean. Two minutes later—Death finds it. The American is taken.
The Chinese throws in a sewing needle. Five minutes pass—Death still finds it. He too is taken.
The Vietnamese guy, now terrified, panics and throws whatever he's holding into the sea.
An hour passes.
Death returns, exhausted, panting: "You... you win... I give up. What on Earth did you throw?! I've been searching forever and found nothing!"
The Vietnamese man sheepishly replies: "Uh... it was... a dissolvable vitamin C tablet."
Post-Marriage Diet: A Global Study
According to a recent study by the World Health Organisation: After marriage, men tend to gain more weight than women.
Why? Because the husband's "diet" usually consists of: Two chicken thighs, an oyster, and two milk jugs.
Meanwhile, the wife's meal plan typically includes: One sausage... and two eggs.
Thought It Was an Earthquake
"Hey, I was jogging past your house this morning."
"Ohhh—that was you? I honestly thought it was an earthquake."
Half a Success
"Hey, how did your date go?"
"Well... you could say it was half a success."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I showed up. She didn't."
It Grows in the Front?!
One afternoon, Tarzan invited all the jungle animals to bathe in the river. As they splashed and played, Tarzan began slowly undressing.
Suddenly, one animal burst out laughing—and soon the entire jungle was howling in fits of laughter.
Tarzan, confused and annoyed, shouted: "Why are you all laughing?!"
One animal, rolling on the ground in tears, finally managed to say: "Bro... why does your tail grow from the front?"
Who's the Baby Now?
A husband and wife were in a heated argument. The husband shouted: "Am I your husband or your child?!"
The wife sneered, "Whoever feeds from me is my child."
Their son walked by, grinning: "Mom's right, Dad."
The father snapped: "You again! Am I your father or your younger brother?!"
The son shrugged, "I dunno. But whoever stopped feeding first... is the older one."
That's What She Called "Polite"
The teacher was explaining politeness to a class of 6-year-olds.
After the lesson, she asked for examples.
Little Tí raised his hand: "Ma'am, being polite is saying 'thank you' when someone helps you."
"Very good!" the teacher said, and called on Tèo next.
Tèo stood up: "Ma'am, being polite is when you let your dick hang outside."
The teacher, shocked, asked: "Who told you that, Tèo?!"
Tèo replied: "Last night, we were eating dinner, and Mom saw Dad sitting in his boxers with his thing sticking out. She pointed with her chopsticks and said: 'How polite!'"
Daddy Bird Here
Ring ring...
"Hi! Is this my little birdie?"
"No! This is Daddy Bird."
"Oh! I'm so sorry, sir! How are you?"
"Fit as ever. Looking for someone to fight?"
"N-not at all, sir. Is Trang home?"
"If she weren't, she'd be homeless, wouldn't she?"
"Sorry, I meant... is she at home?"
"And what if she's not?"
"Then... where did she go?"
"She went to work."
"Could I get her phone number, sir?"
"She has many."
"Just one is fine!"
"8."
"Okay... 8 and then what?"
"You said just one number!"
"Then... could I please have the rest?"
"5, 7, 3, 6, 8, 2. Arrange them however you want."
What Are You Missing?
A father-in-law asked his future son-in-law: "If you saw a bag of money and a bag of morals lying in the street, which one would you pick up?"
"Money, of course!" said the young man without hesitation.
The father frowned: "See? You young people care about nothing but money. I, for one, would pick up morals."
The young man quickly added: "True, true... I guess it depends. People usually pick up what they're missing."
A Matter of National Security
A man stood in a city square shouting: "The president is a fool!"
He was promptly arrested. Everyone assumed he'd get 2 years in prison for insulting the government.
Instead, he got the death penalty—for revealing state secrets.
Sentence Served
An elderly couple celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary at a restaurant. After the party, the wife noticed her husband shedding a tear.
"You're emotional about our beautiful 50 years together, aren't you?" she asked sweetly.
He didn't answer. He looked distant.
Finally, he said: "Fifty years ago, your dad pointed a gun at me and said if I didn't marry you, I'd go to jail for 50 years..."
He sighed deeply. "If I'd been braver back then... I'd be free tomorrow."
The Bidding War
Three countries—Vietnam, Thailand, and China—compete to win a construction contract.
Thailand says: "9 million dollars—4 for labour, 4 for materials, and 1 for me."
China bids: "6.5 million—6 million for everything, half a million for me."
Then the Vietnamese guy leans back, takes a puff of his pipe, and says: "26.5 million."
The project manager gasps: "You didn't even do any calculations! And that's way too expensive!"
Vietnamese rep: "Shhh... 10 million for you, 10 million for me, and we'll have the Chinese do the job for 6.5."
A Father's Final Message
An old man lay dying in a hospital bed. His son sat quietly by his side.
Suddenly, the old man gasped, grabbed a pen, and scrawled something on a piece of paper before collapsing.
Overcome with grief, the son forgot about the note and slipped it into his pocket.
At the funeral, he remembered. With trembling hands, he opened the paper, expecting some profound final words.
The note read: "You idiot—get your butt off my oxygen tube."
Your Teacher's a Liar
A lazy old teacher often napped during class but insisted his students study in silence. Anyone caught sleeping would be punished.
One day, the students complained: "If we're learning your letters, shouldn't we also learn your habits? Why can't we nap too?"
Cornered, the teacher fibbed: "I'm not really napping. I'm meditating. I'm spiritually visiting Confucius and ancient sages."
One afternoon, both teacher and students fell asleep. The teacher woke first and scolded the kids: "You brats! Skipping study to nap?!"
The students answered politely: "No sir, we were meditating too—visiting Confucius, just like you."
The teacher, annoyed, asked: "So did you meet him?"
"Yes!"
"What did he say?"
"He asked why you hadn't visited in so long. We said you came the other day. Confucius looked confused and said: 'Then your teacher's been lying to you!'"
No Room in Hell
A ragged beggar stood outside a rich man's home begging for food. The owner shouted:
"Get lost! You look like you just crawled up from hell!"
The beggar calmly replied: "That's right—I just came from there."
The rich man sneered: "Then why didn't you stay there?"
"Couldn't," said the beggar. "Too crowded with rich people already."
The Shop Sign
A fish shop put up a big sign: "Fresh Fish Sold Here".
Someone walked by and commented: "What, you used to sell spoiled fish or something?"
Embarrassed, the owner painted over "fresh".
The next day, a customer asked: "Isn't this a fish shop? Why say 'sold here'?"
So he erased "sold here".
The following day, another passerby asked: "Isn't it obvious you're selling fish? Why have a sign at all?"
Eventually, only the word "fish" remained.
Days later, a neighbour walked by and said: "Man, you can smell this place from the street. Everyone already knows it's a fish shop. What's the point of a sign?"
The owner sighed... and took the sign down.
No Watch? No Problem
"You never wear a watch. How do you tell time?"
"Easy—I just look at the sun."
"And at night?"
"At night, I open my window and yell really loudly."
"How does that help?"
"My neighbour always wakes up and yells: 'It's 3 AM, are you insane?!' And there you go—now I know the time."
Now That's a Brilliant Strategy
During a war council to discuss how to deal with enemy forces at the border, a general suddenly got word that his wife was on her way—furious because she'd discovered he had taken a concubine with him.
Terrified, the general begged his advisors for a plan. Everyone offered ideas, but none were foolproof.
Then one advisor, who knew how henpecked the general was, calmly said:
"Sir, ahead of you are enemy soldiers. Behind you is your wife. Better to fall into enemy hands than into hers. I say... surrender to the enemy!"
The general slapped his thigh and exclaimed:
"Brilliant! A masterstroke!"
The Price of Redemption
A fisherman was carrying fish to market when he passed a monk at a temple gate.
The monk said solemnly: "You kill creatures every day. That's a serious sin!"
Frightened, the fisherman asked: "Master, how can I atone?"
The monk replied: "Let the temple perform a few repentance rituals for you. That'll cleanse your sins. Would you agree to that?"
The fisherman asked: "And what do I have to do?"
The monk said: "Just sell your fish cheap to the temple. We'll release them into the sacred pond."
The fisherman nodded: "Alright, but I want three copper coins per fish. No less."
The monk exclaimed: "That's so expensive! Yesterday I bought fried fish from the street vendor for two coins—and those were already cooked!"
Waiting for the Fruit to Fall
A lazy man lay under a fig tree on a hot day. He was hungry but too lazy to pick up any fallen fruit. Instead, he just lay there with his mouth open, waiting for a fig to drop straight in.
None did.
Another passerby came along. The lazy man asked him to pick one up and feed it to him. But this guy was also lazy. He didn't bend down—instead, he used his toes to grip a fig and toss it into the man's mouth.
The man furiously yelled: "You're even lazier than I am!"
Not Legal!
A teacher from the lowlands was sent to teach literacy to government officials in a remote highland village.
During math class, she pointed to four stacks of books and said to a male student:
"If I already have one husband and take three more, how many do I have in total?"
The student quickly replied: "You can't do that, comrade teacher!"
"Why not?"
"Because the law doesn't allow it!"
Reading Between the Lines
In science class, the teacher discussed metal properties and held up a gold coin.
He said: "Class, I'll now drop this coin in acid. What do you think will happen?"
A student immediately answered: "Nothing, sir."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because if it were going to be damaged, you wouldn't put it in."
The Real Reason
A famous Arab prophet once preached to a large crowd: "Praise be to Allah, who created heaven and earth in just six months!"
One devout listener raised his hand: "Excuse me, holy one—but didn't Allah create the world in six days?"
The prophet whispered: "Yes, I know. But if I told the truth, no one would believe me!"
The Pig's Complaint
A pig was slaughtered on earth. Its soul flew straight to the underworld and appeared before the King of Hell.
The king asked: "Tell me your grievance."
The pig replied: "They killed me."
The king asked: "How exactly did they do it?"
"They tied me down, flipped me on my back, and slit my throat."
"And then?"
"Then they poured boiling water over me and scraped off all my hair with a sharp knife."
"And then?"
"They cut me open, cleaned out my insides, tossed my bones and meat in baskets... then they heated a pan, added oil, garlic, spices—"
"STOP! Enough! You're making me hungry!"
The Ladder Incident
A boy ran to his mother yelling: "Mom! I just knocked over the ladder in the house!"
The mother gasped: "Oh no! What if your father finds out?"
"He already knows—he's stuck on the ceiling fan!"
Whose Fault?
A father checked his son's school folder and found a photo of himself tucked inside.
He asked: "What's this doing here?"
"It's your picture, Dad."
"But why is it in your school folder?"
"Because the teacher said she wanted to know which idiot did my homework for me."
The Fortune Teller and the Herbalist
A fortune teller and a village doctor had stalls next to each other at the market and were always looking for ways to mess with each other.
One day, a woman came to the fortune teller for advice about her sick husband.
After reading the signs, the fortune teller said: "You should go to the herbalist at the end of the market. Ask if he has mouldy herbs and a spiderweb knife. If he does, buy from him."
The woman did as instructed.
The herbalist instantly realised the fortune teller was messing with him. Still, he handed over a packet of medicine and said: "Boil this down until it's thick—but it only works if you catch a fly from the fortune teller's lip and boil it in too."
Excited, the woman marched over to the fortune teller's stall. By now it was past noon and he was munching on some honey-glazed donuts.
The smell attracted flies—and sure enough, one landed right on his lip.
Without warning, the woman pounced and smacked him square in the face, sending donuts flying.
As she hit him, she yelled: "Got you, you bastard!"
You've Changed!
Wife: "Before we got married, you used to take me out—dinners, movies, everywhere. Now you've changed so much!"
Husband: "It's not me that's changed—it's my wallet. Every month I give you my whole salary, remember?"